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Editorial: Lai See Dau Loi?

Happy Lunar New Year of the Monkey to all our readers! Have you recovered already from stuffing your face over the holidays, have the CNY cakes all been fried, the boxes of edible gifts emptied, all Laisees distributed, all relatives & friends left your flat, all fireworks lit by now? Judging by the amazing noise of firecrackers, Roman candles, bombs and rockets during this last week, this year will become a GREAT one! All the nasty demons of the last terrible year must have been fleeing our island in terror and with shattered ear drums. I love this time of year!

As a Monkey myself, this is MY year and I intend to make the best out of it, becoming like a God of Fortune myself, spreading good fortune, health, wealth and happiness to everybody coming close to me this year, hoping that there'll be a little bit left over afterwards for myself. But if you want a lucky Lai See packet, you'll have to catch me very soon, before I run out...  Oops, too late, hehehe. A lot more monkeying around inside this Lamma-zine...

Lots of new ad categories in this issue: property for rent/sale (see above), jewellery (see above left), smoked products (see below), catering & parties (see below), and beauty & fitness (see above right).

Almost all of these new ads were photographed & designed by myself, free for advertisers, like about half of all ads.

If you're not a subscriber yet, please subscribe here! It's free and your email address will remain totally confidential. It's crucial for the Lamma-zine's success to gain many more subscribers, for its credibility and for selling ads. By the way, I'm STILL looking for somebody to sell ads for the Lamma-zine at a very substantial commission (1/3 of ad revenue!). Make some extra cash! Totally flexible working hours, just a few evenings/month. Corporate & private sponsorships & ads from town most welcome! See ad ratecard!

Send me any stuff (tips, news, pictures, sound, videos, etc.) you'd like to share with the community. Your anonymity guaranteed! Chinese & bilingual submissions are most welcome (I've just got an old PC with Chinese Windows XP). The next issue will be published beginning of March, hoping to stick to a monthly fixed schedule from now on, getting a handle on the writing, editing, photography, design, production & distribution of this 50-page magazine mostly by myself. I'm still lovin' it!

All the greatest wishes for you & your loved ones from Lamma-Gung

Editor-in-Chief of Lamma-zine, Managing Consultant of www.Compunicate.com

P.S. ANY TEXT in this dark-blue or this purple colour in the Lamma-zine is a clickable link to more stuff, like photo galleries and additional pages. Most pictures are clickable links as well!

1. Chinese New Year Leftovers

    

   Let's start off the feature section of this Lamma-zine with a few random local CNY bits & pieces, some of them odd & unusual, plus some visual leftovers related to this most important, colourful and noisy of Chinese festivals:

   A dog gone missing frightened by all the nightly (and daily) fireworks, police warnings of extortion, designed-to-impress signboards, buying bargain flowers on a ship, etc.

   
   Click here for Chinese New Year 2004 Photo Gallery

2. Free Classifieds, Links & Web Pages!

    

   Did you already notice the new "portal" look of Lamma.com.hk? Besides the message forums, there are now many new sections, like ferry timetables, links, search engine & directories of businesses, restaurants & accommodation.

   Plus several sections originating in the Lamma-zine: news, events calendar, photo galleries & the monthly magazine itself.

    

   But, most importantly, it lets you create and add your own classified ads and home pages, including pictures FOR FREE (with an easy-to-use, fill-in-a-form Pagemaker, no programming & design needed!)!  Click here to have a look!   Click here to discuss the new portal!

   
   Credits for all these new sections go to webdog, La Miglione and especially k@ who did all the tricky programming work. Do I hear loud cheering for all their efforts? They well deserve it!

   Busy Lamma-Gung only helped out a little bit with the design, advice and integrating parts of the Lamma-zine into the portal.

   Start adding a home page for yourself, your family, your dog, or your business, add a link to your existing website, or create a free classified ad for your garage sale, or advertise your talents!

3. Favourite Hangout of Gangsters & Molls?

    

   What is it about the Island Bar that makes it so attractive to gangsters & their girlfriends ("molls")? The place was jumping with hoodlums & sexy babes of all types on New Year's Eve! Photographic evidence can be found by clicking here. Just look at all these obviously criminal-looking mugs and all the sinister shenanigans they're getting up to in their favourite hangout!

    

   On the left, another great poster from the famous Harrisoni who seems to be retained by the mysterious & reclusive Island Bar "family"? The party attracted most of the infamous figures of the North Lamma underworld, who were congregating for an evening of wild debauchery and raucous fun, continuing on all through the night.

    

   Dangerous gunplay, "TUFF LOVE" and generally deranged, uninhibited behaviour have been observed and photographically documented below. Intoxicated and bawdy public displays seem to have been all too commonplace. Most of the gang members (and some of the "molls") seem to have taken the opportunity NOT to shave for a week before the illicit gathering.

    

   The rest of Yung Shue Wan was a very safe place that night, the assembled hoodlums and their floozies taking an ill-deserved break from their usual multitude of illegal activities. Sadly, the local law enforcement was conspicuous by its total absence and missed this unique opportunity to arrest ALL these criminal elements in one fell swoop by simply locking the gates of the bar shut!

    

   By now, all these powerful underworld figures have slipped back into their disguises as law-abiding citizens. In the name of all outraged, morally upstanding community members, we hope that a thorough crime scene investigation has been performed! All photos here have been shot undercover by "Keef" the Barman-ager & his accomplices. They all "volunteered" as moles, after just a tiny bit of "friendly persuasion".

    

   Unfortunately, the promised witness protection programme has fallen victim to the SAR's recent budget cuts. Sorry, guys! Good luck trying to escape the rage of your fellow scoundrels for exposing them!

4. Restaurant & Bar News - Jan 2004

    

   So, what's new in the local dining & drinking scene after the CNY season? More than you might think!

    

   Food promotions all over Yung Shue Wan, CNY specials, even Western food catering from places like New Holiday Mood. Special international food nights 5 days a week in Aroy Thai.

   Big theme party at Diesel's ("Sexy Pets", Lucy's birthday, see right with her birthday card):

   Click for Sexy Pets photo gallery!

   Nam Wah Yuen (close to Lamcombe) has closed after many years in business; and was reopened just one week later under new management.

   Juniors/seniors promotion at Emily's: $12/ice cream.

   Click for birthday party photos at New Holiday Mood.

   Thai Thai, the former Satay take-away place on Back Street, has moved across the street, opening a proper Thai Restaurant. Very tasty, hot and original food; but not cheap, easy to spend well over $100 on a lunch for two.

    

   Click for some new photos and descriptions:

   Restaurants & Bars - Jan 2004. Check out the frequently updated Lamma Events Calendar for food promotion dates, plus all the restaurant & bar ads at the top of this Lamma-zine, of course!

5. Roz Keep, ex-Lammaite Painter

    

   This month, a very well-known Lamma artist & long-time resident, the ever-popular Roz Keep! She's recently emigrated with her family to Chiang Mai in Thailand, but she's still missing Lamma a lot, like most ex-Lammaites.

    

   Better late than never, we present some of her best Lamma paintings. On the right, one of her most famous artworks, "Yellow Mount Stenhouse".

   Read her great, heart-warming Artist Statement and check out the parcel she sent me from Chiang Mai:

   Click here for Roz Keep's online Art Gallery!

6. The Official Village Idiot Election

    

   Cast your vote!

   Lamma-Gung  0%  [ 0 ] webdog  0%  [ 0 ] leglesslamma  10%  [ 5 ] bbchris  14%  [ 7 ] k@ (for haunting village idiot)  22%  [ 11 ] e  0%  [ 0 ] Alan  16%  [ 8 ] Insomniac  24%  [ 12 ] Doggy  0%  [ 0 ] Norseman  0%  [ 0 ] Samson  0%  [ 0 ] My Hairy Ass  2%  [ 1 ] Marcus  0%  [ 0 ] yaffle  8%  [ 4 ] zep  0%  [ 0 ] Fortune Chan  0%  [ 0 ] The Divine Ms D  0%  [ 0 ] Toad in the Hole (for haunting village idiot)  2%  [ 1 ] Oscar Meyer Weiner  0%  [ 0 ]

   Total Votes : 49  (Feb 4, 2004)

   After the recent District Council elections, one more feature about elections: a less serious, more fun affair, much more fun than the US Democratic Party primary elections running right now!

   Elect Lamma's Official Village Idiot!

    

   It reminds us that some of the old Lamma spirit is still alive even today. Old-timers might remember the Miss Lamma election from years yonder; all entrants were guys in drag! Some of the entrants in this poll are, even worse, guys in suits & ties!

    

   It all started when gargoyle stated in a forum message on Lamma.com.hk:

   "Another village idiot you mean, surely? We seem to have more than our share already."

    

   That's true! So I asked her to nominate a few candidates and other members joined in, even adding webdog and myself to the list! Kind of disappointing not to have received a single vote, though. I can be an idiot, too!

    

   Somebody wanted to nominate the perpetrator of a recent nasty high-profile incident, but for legal reasons I'll refrain from mentioning this incident. Yes, I WON'T mention it at all! Sorry, NO mentioning! No mention whatsoever, anywhere!

    

   Webdog simply put up the list of the 20 most active members (see table). The truly worthy Insomniac is leading right now, having worked really hard for months to earn this title through his many messages on Lamma.com.hk, antagonising & riling up many people.

   He's followed by the indomitable, irrepressible k@ who got his private fan club & "friends" to vote for him, who seem to consider him worthy. Joanne writes, "My uncle Keith is the best village idiot. Vote for him!"

    

   A few of the notorious multiple split personalities tried to gang up on the well-esteemed & most helpful moderator Alan, but failed to put him in the lead. Wearing socks & sandals is NOT sufficient to win this one!

    

   My own favourite legless is not doing so well either, despite claiming to be eager to win. But he's become uncharacteristically reasonable, even friendly recently, deviating from his formerly well-established aggressive, inflammatory & contrarian online personality. Good for him!

    

   We'll think up a suitable prize for the winner and he'll be permitted to gallivant in public, parading along Main Street holding a tour guide flag, wearing a sash and dunce's hat, announcing his new exalted status as Official "Village Representative" of Lunacy and Silliness! Insomniac should get ready....

    

   But the election is not over yet! Join in, register and vote in the The Official VILLAGE IDIOT Election!

   Betting is open now, eh, sorry, not officially open, as Village Idiot gambling is still not legal...

7. Transparency Through Participation in an Interactive Platform

    

   Webdog had another great idea the other day, sending an email invitation to Alex Chan to become a moderator on Lamma.com.hk. Alex is the Chair of the Citizens Party and the loser, eh, first runner-up, in the recent District Council election.

    

   Webdog came up with the above high-brow, clever-sounding email subject line as well. He's starting to sound like a politician as well, doesn't he?

    

   Webdog, Site Admin & Founder: Subject: Transparency Through Participation in an Interactive Platform Dear Alex, I am writing on behalf of Lamma.com.hk to invite your party's participation in our forum. The forum has enjoyed a very huge success since its introduction little more than one year ago. Currently, we have on average more than 5000 hits per day and over 500 members, plus many more non-registered viewers. The fact that we are non-profit-making and provide a platform for free speech in the forums has become very influential in the local community.

   Your participation would be warmly welcomed by our fellow members since most of our registered members are local Lamma island residents. They have shown great interests in discussing political, environmental and other issues related to Lamma Island. I would like to propose to open a special topic area for the Citizens Party. And I'd like to invite you or your colleague to be the moderator of the area. Being a moderator will allow you to post news, announcements and edit/delete posts in your topic area. Of course we would also like to hear your comments on many issues being discussed in the forum. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

    

   After a bit of prompting in person, Alex agreed! We're looking forward to hear from "The Big Guy" online very soon! Maybe we should invite the winner of the election, Ms Lammadonna, as well? We can try...

8. Below the Ferry Pier...

    

   If you've seen a crackpot crawling & staggering around BELOW the ferry pier taking pictures in the last few weeks, that was Lamma-Gung on two of his photographic excursions, exploring some new, "unusual" views and angles of Lamma Island's hidden and secretive "underworld"...

    

   If you've always wanted to see what lies beneath the ferry pier that many of us are walking on almost daily, this is the photo gallery for you. If not, congrats, you're normal and don't need to waste your time with crackpot photo galleries like this one! Click the X button (upper right corner,) to close this window RIGHT NOW!

   But if you're just a tad curious what it looks like down there, click here.

9. Flourishing Flora, Faultless Fauna

    

   We haven't seen any Lamma Birds, Bugs,  Flowers,... of the Month for a while. Catch up with some new photos from our most excellent expert moderator Zep, plus a few from the private collection of bug-hunter-on-the-prowl Lamma-Gung.

    

   Learn about some of Lamma's fascinating and little-known wildlife:

   Pandanus fruits, Mimosas, House Shrews, Giant Wood Spiders, etc.

   Click here for the Flora & Fauna Photo Gallery!

    

   For even more pictures & "informative info", check out Zep's highly informative Flora & Fauna forum, which is full of info, naturally.

10. Gravel Ship at Sunset

     

    I was enjoying a tea time set in the Green Cottage - my favourite sunset watching spot - just before Christmas. A HUGE ship was manoeuvering into the harbour, squeezing narrowly through the fishing boats, inching its way towards the construction materials platform opposite the post office, extending its snout...

     

    Another unexpected surprise photo opportunity!  I was off, filling another two Memory Sticks with 3MPixel snapshots. Some of this gravel and sand was used for the new temporary helipad shortly afterwards.

    Click here or left for another weird photo gallery!

11. The Forgotten Artist

     

    It all started, as so often in the Lamma-zine, with an email. A very short, but uncharacteristically whiny, sniffling, "hurt-feelings" email from a self-proclaimed "Forgotten Artist" (see right). Looking at the photo, no wonder he's forgotten. He might even have forgotten his own name as well...

     

    Let's make sure below that he's remembered again! But I can't guarantee that it'll be in a positive way... "Any publicity is good publicity!" is the motto that the newly dubbed "Shy" Stick Insect Hunter seems to live by. Being forgotten is worse than being dead! But famous artists are supposed to become famous only AFTER their demise at a young age! This guy missed his chance already!

     

    "The Shy Stick Insect Hunter", the self-proclaimed "Forgotten Artist": The Stick Insect Hunter has fallen out of favour of the Great Lamma Gung. Not even a tiny little quote. You are getting commercially too successful huhh? Have no more time to deal with an unsuccessful artist? :-) Great zine. Have fun and happy new Year! Lamma-Gung's reply: Who are you, dear "Forgotten Artist"? Lamma-Gung has become WAY to successful these days to even bother with lowly and unknown, "forgotten" artists! No more sycophantic, groveling MI-JAI (Minor Inferior Junior Artist Impostor)! No more weak & subservient Gollum, wicked & mean Smeagol has re-emerged and triumphed in our battle of split personalities! The Ring of Power will be mine, all mine, my Preeeeeciousss restored to its rightful owner, hehe! Hah, I STAMP on you, little stick insect! Just a little, ugly smudge on my boot, HARHARHARHAR! What famous deed or heroic act have you achieved in the last month to be worthy of the attention of the highly successful & FAMOUS Lamma-zine? What would merit a "tiny little quote" in the unfortunately-not-yet-commercially-too-successful Lamma-zine? But I'm a busy man these holidays and don't have any valuable time left over to deal with every "wrong-headed crackpot with an ignorant opinion" (as my idol Calvin in today's papers exclaimed), no more time to deal with an "unsuccessful artist", as you called yourself.

    Anyway, where's this sudden, unexpected, uncharacteristic false modesty coming from? As the self-proclaimed "star" of your own, self-published print magazine, with your picture on almost EVERY page, I don't believe this new, unheard-of-ever-before modesty for a split-second! Just trying to pull my high'n'mighty leg once again, trying to make me fall on my behind with a thunderous THUMP, oh insolent one? Anyway, to cut short my braggadocios, self-righteous prose, inform me forthwith of your meritous deeds worthy of honourable inclusion in the CNY edition of the esteemed Lamma-zine! I'll consider your request amongst the mountains of free-publicity requests from other "forgotten artists" in my inbox. Well, you could always place a paid ad to promote your nefarious deeds and going-ons to ensure preferred and highly visible worldwide premier exposure (not meant literally, as your predilection for exposing yourself is all too well-known to our esteemed readers!) With friendly regards, Lamma-Gung, Editor-in-Chief of Lamma-zine P.S. Hey, this was fun to write! I should polish this stream-of-consciousness rubbish a bit and include it in the next Lamma-zine, as an introduction to a little feature about your magazine. Next email: Dear Official Court Artist of Lamma.com.hk, We haven't seen any of your artistic creations on Lamma for a very very long time. We know that you're busy being famous in the Philippines, getting your musings and mug shot into print magazines, throwing wild parties and being smooched by girls on both cheeks (front cheeks) in public (see below).

     

    Click here for The Shy Stick Insect Hunter Magazine launch and Website Anniversary Party

     

    His comments: "Not only am I quite handsome and sophisticated, I am also extremely humble. Sometimes I am almost ashamed to have a magazine about myself."

     

    Click here for more info on this large-format, self-promotional print magazine. Hilarious & highly recommended, samples available from Lamma-Gung directly. Another (spoof) magazine cover on the right.

     

    Also, check out this fun article about our Official Court Artist:

    The Happy Malcontent: "Andy Maluche - artiste, photographer, ex-adman, stick insect hunter, publisher/writer/art director of The Shy Stick Insect Hunter, defending beer-swilling champion, and habitual rabblerouser - tells his own story. It's a strange one."

12. "We were awesome in the field!"

    

    Cap’n Burns facing – Hussain’s at the other end.

    

    Leigh Powell (left) and Cap’n Burns opening:

    The University player seen in the background is looking for the ball Leigh just hit for 6,

    not trying to escape. Although later he might have wished he had escaped.

     

    John Fox, our official LCCC (Lamma Cricket Club Correspondent): Lamma title hopes boosted by record win Lamma Cricket Club brushed aside a hapless Hong Kong University XI by a club record- 209-run win last Saturday, further strengthening their 2003-04 championship aspirations. Winning the toss, Lamma elected to bat, opening with Captain Mark ‘Monty’ Burns in partnership with Leigh Powell. Leigh went in the fourth over for a quickly-taken 20. Our third batsman, Hussain Butt, then shared a superb 147-run third wicket partnership with Cap’n Burns, going on to score 159 off 102 balls, including seven big sixes and 18 fours. Valuable contributions from Ian Beck (15) and Sher Lamma (20 n/o) added to Lamma’s commanding total of 296 for 6, leaving HKU’s batsmen facing a daunting target against the on-form islanders. And daunting it proved. Cap’n Burns set an attacking field and our opening bowlers, Hong Kong International Sher Lama (4 wickets for 15 runs off seven overs) and big Aussie Terry Pontikos (2, 12, 5) tore the heart out on the University’s upper order, reducing them at one stage to 22 for 5 after just 7.5 overs. The opening bowlers were backed up by fine overs from Alister McMillan (1, 8, 2), Darryl Bending (2, 11, 2.5) and Alex Griffiths (2 runs off 2 overs).	That winning Lamma team, supporters and scorer at Sandy Bay: From rear left: Foxy, Derek Wintle, Leigh, Darryl, Toby White (with dodgy ciggy), Terry, Alex, Mark Smith, Kim Leung (super scorer extraordinaire), Hussain, Ian, Cap’n Monty Burns, Craig, Al, Sher Lama.
    	Our fielders didn’t put a foot wrong either, with excellent catches by Craig Francis (w/k), Alex, Al, and a superb diving effort in the slips by Hussain to skittle out HKU for just 50, so an early tea (well OK then, beer) was had by all. “We were awesome in the field; the best Lamma fielding I have yet to see,” Cap’n Burns told the Lamma-zine.“ Our batsmen were spot on too, especially Hussain.” Social side Ironically, the history of Lamma Cricket Club can be traced back to the 1980s when the University would invite a team of Lamma islanders to play in an annual friendly game at the Sandy Bay ground. It was always guaranteed to be a great day out, even though Lamma were inevitably thrashed by the University.	While things have changed drastically since then in terms of their performance, LCC remains very much a social outfit, as witnessed by Saturday’s victory celebrations at our adopted club HQ in Central, Barco in SOHO’s Staunton Street.* The University are a great bunch of guys and Lamma’s social side were in action at Sandy Bay the next day for a friendly game. The social boys, under the captaincy of Ian Harling, beat the HKU social XI, albeit by a much narrower margin than the league squad, and a great day out was had by all players and their families. * A wonderful establishment, highly recommended. (all photos submitted by John Fox)